Anne spent most of her life feeling misunderstood until she was diagnosed with Autism later in life. Everything started to eventually make sense, even more so, when her family was all diagnosed with ASD and they begin this new journey together. She wants to write about all of this because sometimes one’s struggles are silent and only through efforts towards inclusion can we all be more comfortable to communicate our struggles. And as someone who is rejection sensitive, she often fails to communicate her struggles because she anticipates that her struggles will lead to further rejection and the cycle continues. She hopes that sharing her vulnerabilities leads to at least one person better understanding themselves or an Autistic loved one. She is looking forward to sharing more specifics about her struggles as a neurodiverse family residing in Pennsylvania.
View all postsThe Autistic Urge for Flight
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Over time, I have come to realize that when I feel utterly trapped by my surroundings or circumstances, I will do whatever is in my power to change the dynamic.
I have gotten into a friend’s vehicle and tried to drive away when I could not be taken home immediately. I have left situations while they were still unfolding because I was overcome by a sinking feeling that everything had become too much and I simply had to go.
I find myself in that same position now.
I have lived much of my life according to everyone else’s rules and standards. I made plans based on other people’s perceptions of what my life should look like and what I believed was expected of me by society.
Having recently celebrated a birthday, I found myself grappling with how unhappy I am with the trajectory of my life. I do not want a small change. I want to completely start over. I want to be free from every decision I felt pressured or forced to make because of someone else, and I want the decisions I make moving forward to finally be my own. Decisions based, at least in part, on whether they make me happy.
I am sure a therapist might say that I am trying to avoid accountability, but for the most part, I no longer feel that I should be held solely accountable for choices that never truly felt like mine. I feel that I was manipulated throughout much of my life into meeting other people’s standards and expectations. Yet for twenty years, I have carried out the consequences of those choices as though I made them freely.
Others might argue that they are not responsible because, technically, I made the choices. But those same people have rarely been held accountable for the pressure, manipulation, or circumstances that shaped them.
I do not think it is fair for one person to carry the burden of an entire family alone. I have done it for so long that somewhere along the way, I lost who I was underneath all that responsibility. I became the person who does the heavy lifting. The person who handles what needs handling.
As I continue to step back from those responsibilities, I find myself wondering whether anyone will notice before I withdraw completely.
And yes, I think it is fair to say that I have realized I need to make an immediate left turn. That will likely shake the world of the people I have spent years doing everything for.
Last year, I was questioning whether I would still have a job and wondering how I could avoid a potential reduction in force. This year, I almost wish for one by next year. I find myself hoping my 401(k) holds out long enough for me to buy some small place thousands of miles away, somewhere I can disappear for a while and figure out what happiness looks like when I am no longer living according to everyone else’s expectations. Or maybe happiness will always be fleeting.
I suppose time will tell.
Anne Brown
