That Time of Year Again

Posted on December 16, 2024

I attended a Halloween parade on Tuesday, October 8th which usually means the very unofficial start to the Christmas holiday season. I have begun seeing toys advertised on the internet, especially on Facebook. I have even seen Christmas trees advertised on the Hallmark channel and they have a list of new Christmas movies on their two channels. The first-holiday movie starts on October 19th. The Mechanicsburg Museum will have its annual Christmas exhibit beginning on November 9th which is titled “A Seussical Christmas: Merry Grinchmas.” This year there will be a life-size animated Grinch who sings and dances. The exhibit will have a brand-new train layout that the busy train elves have been working on over the last several months. New animated buildings and more will be part of the layout, along with our popular Rudolph Village and Norman Rockwell trains. There will also be a scavenger hunt for the children along with our gingerbread house display, and the train layout is supposed to be more spectacular than the previous year. Why am I talking about this exhibit? It is because this will be around my 15th year as a volunteer at the museum and I always enjoy the kids’ smiles and also the parents who become kids again seeing the train display and all of the Christmas items in cases in the exhibit hall.

The holidays are supposed to be the happiest time of the year. Part of that is true for me, but there is another part of me that only partially believes this. I normally spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone because we no longer get together as a family since our eldest sibling passed away. It will be two years since she passed away, I miss her deeply. Now as far as what is true for me about the Christmas holiday is the fact that we still have a Christmas party in my building that is thrown for us by a local Church. They also give each resident of our apartment building Christmas gifts which we all gratefully appreciate. Plus, I have two college friends who usually come for a pre-Christmas visit and we will go out for a meal and they bring gifts for me which I also deeply appreciate. They are my dearest friends in the world. I do try to keep alive the spirit of the Christmas season as far as attending the local Catholic church Christmas masses. I used to go to the 10 pm Christmas Eve service which is beautiful but is very long. So now I am going to the 6 pm mass which is also very nice but I can be home a lot sooner.

Over the years I have come to dread this time of the year. I often feel depressed and alone when everybody else is spending the holidays together with friends and family. I am so thankful to have a wonderful pet cat Miss Queen to keep me going even when I am alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day which makes it slightly more bearable. I know Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and spending time with family and friends. There have been times over the years when I told my friends that I was not going to decorate for Christmas because I did not have the heart to do it but always. They always end up convincing me because they know that my family members who have passed would want me to enjoy the holiday season and not be very sad. Both of my parents have been gone for a very long time, a very dear friend passed away about 3 years ago, and my eldest sibling passed away two years ago in October so it has not been an easy few years. My own family has not spoken to me lately, I do not know what I did or did not do but I am living my own life the way I see fit for me. I know the group I run, Spectrum Friends, is supposed to have some small outings I can attend throughout November and December. I am also hoping my three closest friends will come for a pre-Christmas visit again this year.

There are times when I feel I put a mask of happiness on for everyone I see during this holiday season. I try to always say Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas to all I meet. Even when I do not seem happy or merry, I do mean what I say. I try to mean it but deep down I feel I am just putting on a false front. Most time I am very sad and depressed at the thought of being alone during these two holidays. My family does not visit me anymore and I feel like a black sheep in the family because I am on the autism spectrum. I guess I can’t blame them. I do have to be careful in my conversations because I am afraid I will say something wrong and start a family war which I do not want to do. In a way I am glad I do not have the company so I do not have to worry about saying or doing something wrong. I can watch whatever I want on both holidays and eat whatever I want. So, to all of the readers of this blog, I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving and have the Merriest Christmas with your friends and family or however you choose to spend the holidays.