Not seeing the bright side

I’m so lucky that I have people that I can tell, “Hey, I’m having a bad day” or “I’m confused” or even that I’m having a great day. The fact that I have people who actually care about me and that I feel comfortable sharing with is invaluable. It’s worth so much to me and I acknowledge that I am an incredibly fortunate person to have these people in my life. This especially resonates with me since I have autism and ADHD which makes it really hard for me to connect with others. I find myself wanting to know other people or have other people know me but not necessarily always knowing the “right” steps to do it appropriately.

This uncertainty and past experiences with not being that successful has left me a bit shy when getting to know people. It’s so much easier to sit in my apartment and read and to only interact with people who I know like me. However, I know that’s not healthy and not necessarily even that smart for me to be doing that. I know that hiding in my apartment makes my world smaller. I know fewer people. I have fewer things to say and it feeds my anxiety about interacting with other people. For me, interacting them with other people is like jumping into a pool. No matter how graceful you are, you always make waves. I try not to make too many “waves” but being socially awkward and socially uncomfortable often ensures I make a cannon ball splash instead of a smooth dive into the pool.

It’s hard for me to trust others, especially other women who smile to my face rather than being honest about how they feel. I feel like it’s quite difficult to make a good friendship when the other person is pretending everything is okay. I have a lot of angry, hurt and scared feelings right now that are related to interactions with other people.

I struggle with the thought that I’m not a good enough friend, sister, worker, etc. The thing is, in some cases, I really am not good enough at a task. Being able to figure out when I’m not up to a task is hard and it involves a lot of honesty and self-reflection. It’s very difficult to be that honest with myself. For me, my weakness are not my super powers, they often feel like heavy weights that make everything a bit harder.

I know that I have a lot to be grateful for but there are times when I struggle to see the bright side. Sometimes I just get out of bed to do what I absolutely “must” do and call it good enough for the day. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in doing this. To all the people putting one foot in front of another, you’re not alone.