Kel (they/them) is in their late 20’s and didn’t learn of their autism until their second year of college. This helped them get the tools they needed to graduate on time but also gave them a sense of community. A lot of their early life was given more context. Now, they work as a self-advocate, helping other people just like them. They like to play video games, board games, write, draw, act, and cosplay in their spare time. They also are fond of their family pets; four dogs and a cat.
View all postsWhen the Holidays Aren’t Always Easy
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TW: Loss of a family member
The holidays are a difficult time for me, to say the least. That wouldn’t be a very good blog, though.
My parents have been having our entire family come to our house for Christmas Eve for over a decade, and every time Thanksgiving and Christmas draw near, I am filled with dread. My mom already expects a high standard of cleanliness, which takes a great deal of effort for me to maintain. Most of the time it isn’t met and she is upset. For the party, though? We need to be as clean as the White House. And we are always working until the last second to get there. It makes living in the house so draining, and that’s before there’s people filling the kitchen and dining room and children running around.
Getting older has also made Christmas harder for me. There’s a lot less magic and less exciting things to ask for. Why even ask for games if I won’t get to play them? I also struggle with asking for too much, or being too difficult, so I end up having very little on my list. This isn’t even discussing shopping for my family. While it has gotten easier with online stores (the crowds and noise always made me want to exit my body), it also leaves an abundance of choice. My sisters aren’t easy to please, and what do you get a mom that doesn’t want anything other than a clean house (which you physically cannot give on your own)?
My mother’s parents passed recently, as well as my dad’s father. They all made the holidays really special, and it is hard to be excited with their absence. I hate to see my mom struggle through her grief and feel unable to help, especially when I have my own still. I’m reminded of them in so many little things and have dreams with them often. It’s left the holidays feeling somewhat empty for me, and I’m not sure how able I am to put on a face for everyone else.
I don’t want to be a complete bummer, so I’ll try to find some positives, too. I like seeing my family more often (even if a lot of them are loud and the kids are too much to handle). I like the cold and snow (though I could do without slipping on ice when I take the dogs out), and I like being able to layer clothes. I like all the delicious food (though I miss being able to have mint, reflux truly is the enemy of joy), and the general happiness in the air is nice. I like that Sailor’s birthday is on Christmas Eve, and while she might not enjoy the huge party on her birthday (she’d rather snuggle with us and sleep it off), and the dogs like getting to see so many people.
Maybe voicing these thoughts and concerns will help me a bit, I’m not sure. I hope everyone has a great holiday, regardless of the circumstances. As long as you try to do good every day, it wasn’t wasted. That’s something I continuously have to tell myself.
Kel
