Distance between me and my Dad

I have been thinking a lot about my Dad the last few weeks. I wonder if the reason that I never seemed to click with him was that we both dealt with similar issues. Some of those issues I think we might have shared were anxiety, anger, depression, and imposter syndrome.

The reason I didn’t know him well as a person is because he always played the role of a confident man who had everything together. I think he was “masking” much of the time since it appeared that he was usually “competing” with everyone around him. As an angry and depressed teenager, I resented the way everything looked easy for him.

I desperately wanted to resume the easy relationship we had when I was a child. I remember playing chase, hide-and-go-seek, and taking walks together with a great deal of fondness. I relished doing activities together that I enjoyed rather than watching him put scrapbooks together by himself.

As a teenager, I didn’t understand why my once fun-loving Dad became so distant. I know a lot of things changed when I was ten years old, such as moving to a new state and my Dad starting a new job as well. Looking back at that time period now as an adult, I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it easy.

As a grown-up, I tried to get to know him as another adult. It was hard for me to understand him since he mostly talked about other people or events and rarely about himself. I also don’t think he knew me very well since he had trouble listening to me or anyone else. When we spent time together, he did most of the talking and very little listening. I don’t think he trusted most people to really know him.  I don’t think I was the only one who didn’t know him as a person. He had very few friends after my Mom passed, and even fewer as he aged.

I wasn’t very successful getting to know him as a person; there was too much difficult history between us by the time I became an adult. Perhaps it could also be that he didn’t know how to stop masking. Putting myself in his position, I don’t think I either knew how to “take off” my mask or even feel comfortable doing so and I still struggle with this with most people.

I don’t think I’m alone in not knowing a parent or parents well. I get that parenting is incredibly hard work that takes a lot of effort. On the other hand, being someone’s child can also be taxing and confusing. There were many times when my Dad would get angry at me and my siblings, lose his temper and leave for a few hours.

I wish my Dad had taken time to deal with his own problems before having kids. I don’t think my Dad had the family or parenting he needed while he was growing up. I think he would have been happier if he had been able to accept that he could use some help. Even if he lived many more years, I don’t think I would have ever truly known him. I understood some things about my Dad but sadly, not that much.

I believe lots of people struggle with relationships and establishing bonds with others, just as I had with my father. I personally believe that relationships are complex, and it is often hard to know another person. I also feel that this is a common thing, not just specific to people with Autism.