Weighing options of being a parent

 For the past few years, many mornings I wake up frustrated and out of sorts because of the content of my dreams. I dream a lot about wanting to become pregnant and being blocked in that desire. Recently I researched and thought deeply about this. I weighed the pros and cons; I looked at all of my resources and I was really focused on the subject for many months.

 However, sadly I came to the conclusion that I don’t have the resources or support to be able to have a child. I have enough resources to support myself and my two cats. If I could go back in time, I would have put the resources and time into getting ready to have a family. I would have practiced the skills and would have put together the financial resources I would need to be successful. In a lot of ways, that’s my greatest regret. There was a time when I could have had a child with my partner but my family discouraged me from considering that option. I know they had their (yes, “their”) best interests at heart but to this day, this is the thing that I’m angriest at them about. I wish they would have supported me and acknowledged that it takes a lot of skills and a lot of time but thought about what they could do to support me best. Instead, saying that I would have been a lousy mother or at least implying it is the message I received. And ultimately, the relationship I was in didn’t work out and I am glad I did not have a child with him. However, late at night, I sometimes wish I would have gone for it, got married, and had one or two children.

 Why is having kids and getting married so important to me? I see all these media images and I hear about families all the time. The media messages make it sound like that’s the point of life and it’s hard to find a purpose otherwise. I find all of the messages about getting married and having kids very difficult. After all, isn’t that what I’m supposed to do and isn’t that what people who are “normal” and “typical” do? I don’t see myself represented in the media or the type of life I’m living.

Should I really try to base my life choices on what is shown in movies, television shows, or online? Would those be the right choices for me? I’m happy the way I am and given the fact that I did the research and applied what I learned to myself and did a lot of soul-searching, I realized that having a child conflicted with my needs, wants, and resources. I hope my readers find this blog useful and are successful in their endeavors.

Sincerely,

Out-Of-Sync Woman