By Out-of-Sync Woman
These days I’m really trying to be grateful and appreciative of what I have but I’m not always that successful. There are times that I get frustrated, angry, upset, and sad. Especially when I feel like somebody’s comparing me to somebody else or when I’m comparing myself to another.
I know that it’s not healthy and a lose-lose proposition but sometimes I can’t stop myself from comparing myself to my siblings, my cousins, or friends. I don’t feel as successful or as pretty as the people I’m comparing myself to. I find that I’m less sympathetic to the people I’m comparing myself to, much less compassionate to their difficulties.
Recently, I found that I needed to bite my tongue and try not to lose my temper when talking to another family member and they were saying how amazing my cousin looked in a picture. They made a big deal about how skinny, pretty, and fit she was, and how she looked much younger than she is, in addition to how successful she’s been. I found myself thinking negative, angry, frustrated thoughts towards both my cousin and the person who conveyed these things when I got home. I really struggled not to send an angry text or call to express how upset I was. I finally fell asleep and I felt better the next morning.
I realized that I need to have an honest conversation about how comparing me to another person made me feel sad, angry, and upset. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t intentional but the person has a tendency to do this with some consistency, and it’s destroying our familial relationship. I’m not sure how to broach this conversation since it appears the person is oblivious to how much it hurts me and makes me feel awful.
I thought I’d gotten successfully past my jealousy, anger, and frustration. Having this experience made me realize that I need to work on my jealousy issues. This episode had more to do with how I feel about myself and my success rather than how my cousin was doing. I need to work on being grateful for what I do have and all the successes that I’ve attained. I need to work on self-acceptance and working towards realistic goals of what I want to achieve.
I also want to work on my anger and jealousy issues. I believe that emotions, whether they’re positive or negative, are important in understanding myself better. In the past, I struggled to identify and acknowledge my emotions so I’m really happy I was able to identify and understand why I was feeling so angry. I expressed my emotions in a healthier manner and I’m proud that I was able to move on.
I’m getting better and better at understanding myself and why I think and feel the way I do. It’s not always easy and not always straightforward. I do feel like I’m making progress and that’s what counts.