Feeling adrift

Posted on September 29, 2023

It’s really saddened me that I don’t have much of a relationship with my siblings. There is so much past history of bad feelings that it’s hard to push past. Plus it’s so easy to color every interaction with jealousy, anger and frustration that everyone comes away with a bad experience. It doesn’t help that they live so far away and that we are all busy. It doesn’t help that the last connection, our Dad, has passed away recently.

I know that if my relationship to my siblings and their family is important to me than I need to make an effort to connect to them. Reaching out to other people isn’t easy nor does it come naturally to me. In fact, it’s downright scary for me. I keep thinking of worst case scenarios of how things can go wrong and how it would be “my fault.” That makes me think of what my Dad once said to me about my world getting smaller. Another thought I keep mind is that in order to achieve anything, I must try.

Going back to my siblings, maybe trying to find things we have in common and going from there might work. Asking about their lives via email, text or email may help and be less intrusive to their busy lives than a phone call. I know that visiting them is not a good option for me. Maybe looking for ideas on the Internet might help too.

I think what I’m feeling is pretty common. I wonder how others may struggle to understand and connect to family and friends. Is my difficulty feeling close to anyone more typical because of my autism? This is another heavy topic but it has been on my mind since August. I am hoping to be in a better place soon, both mentally and physically. I will continue to pursue social connections. I hope my readers may understand how common these feelings are and continue to try their best to make connections with others as well.