Anger and Harder Thoughts

I was talking to one of my friends and I mentioned I have a bad temper. My friend was surprised since I don’t usually express it around her. I have difficulty lately expressing my anger and frustration. I wish I had the ability to express it because I do something much worse. I have a tendency to hide my anger, frustration, and rage from most people. I bury it inside myself until I can’t hold it any more than I explode either outwardly or inwardly. In some instances, the inward explosions are even scarier since nobody can see them. I lie awake at night thinking about how angry everyone makes me during those times. I have to restrain myself from doing anything self-destructive or lashing out at another person through text, email, or phone calls.

 I wish I had the communication skills or the ability to regulate my emotions enough to express my less savory emotions at the moment. To be able to politely say ‘that bothers me’ or ‘I don’t like that.’ This would be much better than holding it inside and falling apart or having a meltdown later.

 I’m trying to work on my coping skills. So far I haven’t been that successful. If you’re interested, there are always resources on the internet, however, I know that it takes practice and patience before it becomes a habit. I guess the first step is acknowledging you have a problem and being honest with the people around you. Let them know that you’re having difficulty expressing and regulating the hardest emotions in your life.

 Could it be that my anger is covering up my sadness, my despair, my depression? Most definitely yes, in my case, I use it to distract myself and others. When I’m out of control, when I’m raging, it’s an extreme example of my fear, my pain, and my sorrow. People react to my anger but they don’t see the deep pain that I’m hiding. Getting past the anger to the source of what’s really bothering me takes more effort on my part and everyone else’s so instead we treat the symptoms.

My deepest wish is that I was neurotypical, not because I think it’s wonderful, but because I think it would be easier. I have to work harder than my neurotypical peers and I feel less successful. I feel more fragile and more easily broken than other people seem to be. I need more help to achieve my goals and that’s scary for me. I often wish I had a more “normal” life, working full time with a husband and kids. After all, that’s what I see on TV and all around me. Don’t get me wrong I have a good life but there are times when thinking about this makes me sad. On a more positive note, I’m working on being more grateful for what I have.

I have so much to be grateful for and in fact, that’s what I use when I get out of control. I remind myself I live in a safe place with a good roof over my head, I have enough food to eat, and I have some money in the bank. I also have friends and people who care about me. I have good family members who try to support me. I have a sweet pet who helps me get through the toughest times. If all else fails, I also remind myself that nothing lasts forever, that even my toughest times won’t last.

 This was a tough blog for me to write because I don’t enjoy talking about losing control or my difficult feelings and thoughts. I wish I had some guidance or suggestions but in a lot of ways what works for one person doesn’t always work for another. I wrote this blog in the hopes that sharing my experiences would be helpful to other people. I would recommend reading, observing, and asking lots of questions if you want to learn more. As always, best wishes to everyone.